The Worst Types of Kisses

The Worst Types of Kisses

worst kissEver wonder where some people learned to kiss or how they came to the conclusion that certain smooching behaviors were acceptable and, in some cases, sexy? Me too. Here are some of the biggest violators of this otherwise awesome display of affection. If you ever do come across these criminals of osculation please kindly step away and route them here:

THE SLUG: This slow moving vessel flops around on the inside of the mouth like a jellyfish out of water. Worst thing about this kiss is the confusion of where the hell your tongue is supposed to go while its lazy ass partner lays idle. The“slug” is the craziest category of bad kiss because I have not a clue where someone even learned let alone thought that floppy tongue was an acceptable smooching method. I mean its called “sucking face” for a reason- you’re supposed to put in some work!

THE STATUE: Very contrary to the floppypants slug tongue, this kiss actively promotes “stone tongue” where you’re left wondering when the soft piece of muscle attached to your partner’s mouth became victim to Iceman’s superpowers and froze in your mouth. Now I’m not sure if this is some sort of subtle tactic to remind your kissing partner of “stiffness” in the mouth but whatever it is, lets hope this innuendo is soon “innuOUTdo”. If we wanted something hard and unmalleable in our mouths, we would eat a lollipop [note: if ever I come across this kiss, just like that lollipop, I will bite].

THE TEETH CLENCHER: I’m the first one to agree that an open mouth kiss is not always optimal given the grotesque odors that plague our mouths throughout the day [have you ever kissed someone after two cups of steaming latte? Don’t. Its gross]. However, teeth are not supposed to be used as eternal chastity belts for tongues trying to enter. There is a limit to how much clenching I can take. If you feel a mouth opening just go with it! [unless its just that gross in which case you should dump halitosis Joe/Jane immediately] Otherwise I’m thinking to myself, “I’m kissing this person and yet I’m still getting totally dogged…how is that possible?” Sometimes its like trying to pry open the Cave of Wonders without Aladdin. Frankly my tongue is not that strong and what’s inside is definitely not a diamond in the rough….

THE HOT SPRINGS: After the age of 15, this kiss should NEVER happen. While you still might not be quite sure where some things are on the body, the mouth is not one of them. Thus, there is no reason why anyone should be taking saliva to the face or gasping for breath between tongue lashings. Perhaps there are those smoochers out there that believe the wetter the kiss the wetter the…ahem, passion. If that is the case I am here now to actively debase that thought. Believe me, things will go much smoother if you stick to dry land.

So there you have it. Four kisses that sully the name of liplocking. Remember: just because we have tongues, doesn’t mean we know how to use them!

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